I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
