when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
