Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
