Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
