I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
