You just made me feel so damn special
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
tell me about the eggs
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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