wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She needs sedatives and a leash
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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