You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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