just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
