Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
