I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
