my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
