I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's never too late to be topless.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
