Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
