If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
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you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
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Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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