I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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