I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
