No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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