in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
