You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
