i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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