I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
babies were throwing up all over the place
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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