rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
