if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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