For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
