I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
