Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Randomize