So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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