As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
