I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
