I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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