I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
