Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
