apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
