Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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