Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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