Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
