I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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