We named our party play list daddy issues
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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