If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
