FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
