I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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