There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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