Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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