i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
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Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
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What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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