I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
