My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
