proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
