I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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