I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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