A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
