I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
