Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
